Crows Redux

Yo. I just wanted to alert you to this report in The Register, which should strike fear into the hearts of, er, me.

Some additional crow facts that have recently come to light through scientific research:

• A crow was originally the main character in the New Testament, until focus groups found him to be an unsympathetic character, and he was hastily replaced by Jesus.
• Crows are one of the few animals alongside man and horses to be able to whistle. Most crow species choose not to, however, being the contrary beasts that they are.
• Bob Crow, head of the RMT union, is actually a pseudonym, chosen to make him sound more menacing in negotiations than his given name, Bob Canada-Goose.
• Crows: Bejeesus, they're scary.
• Crows illegally file share more than any other genus of bird, save for the Wireless Duck.
• The American crow is very susceptible to the West Nile Virus, a disease just recently introduced in North America. American crows usually die within one week of acquiring the disease with only very few surviving exposure. Crows are so affected by the disease that their deaths are now serving as an indicator of the West Nile Virus’ activity in an area.
• Wikipedia is interesting, but not funny.
• The common expression 'stone the crows' belies the fact that crows don't care much for getting high, preferring instead a good single malt and an episode of Inspector Morse.
• Crows think they is all that.
• But they ain't.
• The courtship rituals of Corvus corone or the Carrion crow are so disgusting that they'd make your hair turn white, unless you're a crow, in which case they make your feathers turn black, handily.
• Crows generally use second class stamps, believing that most post doesn't get there the next day anyway.
• Crows.

Pretty exhaustive, eh?

[Crow photo from Kohei314 on Flickr]

Phone the Crows

I've recently had the joy of talking to a lot of utilities companies, one after the other. I will share with you my experiences. You are not allowed to refuse this sharing; just take it like a man.

Thames Water had the longest wait, and worst hold music. The most Geordie voice was supplied by BT, and the most chipper was provided by Alliance & Leicester. The most surprised to be receiving a call was Hackney Council, and the most likely to be the inspiration for an Eastern European work of allegorical fiction was TV Licensing. 0844 is the area code for the moon, isn't it?

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The Onion knows my fears: Crows.

(Incidentally, I love it when articles from the Onion turn up on Snopes when people have forwarded Onion articles, and they then get accepted as the truth - I believe anything I hear
about crows, so I'd swallow this wholeheartedly. Crows...)

(photo from faithfull's flicker stream.)

Crows - the Facts

Walking through my local park, I've noticed that every time I go, there are more and more crows. Sinister, evil crows. In honour of this, here are some...

...Crow Facts:

• Crows are the only species to have been inducted en masse into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, back in 1993, along with ZZ Top and The Pretenders.
  
• Crows are forbidden to stand for election under the Representation of the People Act (Crows in Parliament, Never Again Amendment) 1864 although they are permitted to operate as election agents.
• The old nursery rhyme goes as follows: "One for sorrow/Two for joy/Three for a girl/Four for a boy/Five for a - Christ, I'm being attacked by fuckin' crows, help me, Jesus help me, they're pecking at my eyes, mercy, the pain".
• Crows are incapable of feeling pity, shame or the simple joy of tickling a baby under the chin and hearing it gurgle.
• Lily Allen invested the profits from her single, "LDN", in a crow farm near Haverstock. For what dark purpose, we can but speculate wildly long into the night.
  
• Crows be whack.
• Following research by Glasgow University in the late 1970s, crows were found to be intolerant to eight of the major active ingredients in Kia-Ora, leading to disclaimers to be added to all advertising materials for the soft drink.
• Crows are disdainful of Mozart's later work, except for 'The Magic Flute', which they really quite like.
• Crows, if left to their own devices, will eat upwards of 600 blue tits in a sitting.
• Legend has it that if the crows ever leave the Tower of London, it will give the ravens a bit of bloody peace, what with all their caw! caw! noises and that.
• Crows mate for life, but still advertise in the personals columns of newspapers as they are all bastards.
• Crows only received two stars out of a possible six when reviewed by Time Out London recently, prompting furious debate on the letters page. An apology from the editor was printed after it was pointed out that crows weren't in fact a new French restaurant in Hampstead whose entrees left the reviewer and his dining partner wondering whether the chef could even locate France on a globe.
  
• Shakespeare incorporated at least eight rude puns about crows in his plays.

[Crow photo by Cukimuki]