Friday, December 02, 2005

Money-Saving Tips, Or; It Could Be You

As people who have noticed the shortening days and increasing levels of sparkly spangle in advertising, you can't but be aware that Christmas looms like the final roast potato that you are compelled to force down your gullet, despite being full already, you fat pig. Christmas, along with all that, is associate with the Traditional Seasonal Overdraft, and being short of money, because you're out being sociable.

Well, I can offer you a partial solution to this. It will save you upwards of the £1 a week you spend on the national lottery. It simulates precisely the feeling of the lottery, but with none of the cost. There are several steps:

  1. Go to The National Lottery's website.

  2. Choose your numbers and enter them (choose carefully - numbers that are imbued with personal meaning are sci-en-tif-ic-ally proven to be luckier than those chosen by an infinite number of monkeys).

  3. Extend the time to 180 days to maximise your fun!

  4. Click 'check results'.

  5. a) weep because you didn't win OR
    b) weep because you won, but failed to have the foresight to put those numbers on on Saturday, 20th August 2005, like an idiot

There you go. A quid saved, but with all the misery and let-down of the real lottery. You could even imagine Philip Scofield if you like. Laughing at you. All grey-haired and supercilious. Ugh.


  1. Hoorah, I am £30 better off for NOT playing the lottery!

    180 = 25 weeks
    =£50 if I buy a ticket weds and sat

    I would have won only £20 in all that time.

  2. Science, Comrades, Science! Morally, though, that money's mine. Legally too. Did you not read the small print? Contained in the final full stop in size 0.001 arial font? No? Oh well.

    I might hire some bailiffs to come round and pay you a visit. And threaten you. The threatening is quite important. Having some people come round and pay you a visit wouldn't cause much of a problem, other than meaning you'd need to make sure you'd got some in-date milk and enough comfortable chairs for them to sit on while you have a chin-wag. Perhaps some garibaldi biscuits would be nice too.