Monday, February 27, 2006

George Michael: So the Man Needed A Snooze; What's Wrong With That?

I'm not sure, but I suspect, based on evidence from this article on George Michael's arrest, that the New York Daily News may not be quite the respected bastion of news values I first thought. It's the line "Wake me up before I go, go - to jail" that makes me think that.

Pop stars must now realise that they have to choose their song titles very carefully, lest they come back to haunt them as punning references in news articles reporting the celebrity's implication in a horrific quintuple homicide.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Deadpan Conversations: The Shop Comes To Me

Scene: My front door, being answered by me wearing, for reasons that are too convoluted to go into at the present time, a shirt and a pair of shorts, with a knee. that is bleeding down my leg. There stands before me a man holding my delivery takeaway.

Man Holding My Takeaway: Here you go.
Me: Thank you. How much was it?
MHMT: You should have told me that Wilberforce Rd is blocked from one end. £6.75 please.
Me: Oh. I'm sorry. Here you go.
MHMT: You should have told me. I've a lot of deliveries to make; it's a busy night.
Me: I'm sorry.
MHMT: You should have told me.
Me: I'm sorry. I don't drive, y'see.
MHMT: [backing away towards his car] You should have told me...

Nice food though. Curry Club. Tottenham Rd. Crouch End. Just make sure your directions are up to scratch, y'hear?

An excitable tutor came in today, and told me that they had a student on one of the undergraduate courses called 'Bugs Bunny'. I took this in my stride, as I am a keen idle tapper-into-databases of rude/funny words to see what comes up. My own personal favourites have been a student whose surname was 'Moneybum' and a student whose middle name was 'Muvvafuk'. And there it was, on the computer screen in front of me. The student, if student it really is, is apparently due to be on the undergraduate Media Studies course. Ah, 'Mickey Mouse' course. I geddit. Someone's still going to be sacked for inventing students, though.

There are two students called 'Wankey', though. Ah, databases. You satisfy my basest desires. If only you could be taught to love.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Totalisers and the Gnawing Agony They Create

There must be a word in the English language to describe the sudden and unprompted realisation that the totalisers on Blue Peter used to chart the progress of their annual charity appeal were set at a pathetically attainably low level in order to give the children watching a sense of awe and collective achievement as they saw the appeal total soar past the original target on to several new totalisers lined up alongside the original totaliser while the over-enthusiastic saucer-eyed presenters gibbered on about how well the appeal was doing. It's a feeling akin the the recognition that your entire childhood is naught but a tissue of lies, but this as-yet-unnamed Blue Peter feeling is all the more spirit-crushing in its specificity.

Not sure what a totaliser is, and confused by my insistent use of the word totaliser? An example is visible at Rotherham United Football Club's site where you can see how much money they've raised for no stated purpose. I like to think it's a fund to allow the good people of Rotherham to disband Rotherham United Football Club. Over half way there!