How Judy out of Richard and Judy Visciously Beat Me With Her Fists and Assorted Weapons That Came to Hand

This week, my main excuse for not doing any work will be:

A buzzy bee comed in fru the winder

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Yes, I'm back from holiday. I've not turned off my out of office message, because I want to let people know subtly that mother, I can never come home again 'cause I seem to have left an important part of my enthusiasm somewhere somewhere in East Devon. Really nice holiday, and feels genuinely strange to be back in London.

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This next bit is really to keep myself in check. It's to mitigate against the all-too-human tendency of Inevitable Exponential Anecdote Inflation, whereby each telling of an anecdote contains a rapidly decreasing proportion of truth.

Yesterday, Judy out of Richard and Judy elbowed me.

OK, that's already slightly blown up; yesterday, Judy out of Richard and Judy brushed past me. Quite roughly, to be fair, as she was moving at quite a lick.

Fairly soon, I think, the natural tendency for these things to grow in the telling will mean that both Richard and Judy will be raining down savage punches and kicks to my poor broken body, while their daytime TV faces are rent by evil grimaces and shout nonsensically agressive phrases like 'Wooha, how do you like me now?' (Richard) and 'Who's the daddy? Who's the daddy?' (Judy). The Queen and Gyles Brandeth stood round the edge of the scene, their inaction a tacit approval of the brutality of the Richard and Judy team bashing.

How, you might well ask, did Judy come to be in a position to mete out this vengence? It was at a screening of The Wedding Crashers that P was reviewing and took me along to. I'd seen Richard and Judy come in as I was waiting for P - Richard's quite tall, Judy's quite short, but you can tell their relative heights on the telly, so I'm not giving much away there. When inside, everyone had to hand over their phones and ipods. Phones and ipods! In case anyone was going to record it in abysmally low resolution and size for pirates. Ha. I got around that anyway by using the enormous power of my brain which I used to memorise the dialogue of the whole film. I then went straight to a dodgy East Asian criminal gang, and recited it verbatim so they could record it. They then just needed to get the visuals on which to overlay my faithful rendition of the film. I suggested they just paste it on top of the visuals of 'Meet the Parents'. No one would notice the difference (Ha! Take that, major Hollywood film!). Anyway, while the plebs were handing over their valable consumer electronics, Richard and Judy were being whisked behind us, and that's when Judy errupted into her orgy of violence. Hold on, I've just checked the start of this post. When I say 'errupted into her orgy of violence', I mean 'brushed past me'. Anyway, the film was three stars. There'll be a much more detailed review in the quality press soon (by quality press, I mean none other than the Times/Chronicle series published in Northwest London, obviously).