Monday, April 10, 2006

Whimsy; My Fear of Retribution from Hackney Council's Hired Goons;Mog, the Cat

Quick dose of whimsy: This from McSweeny's tickled me for it's none-more-whimsical whimsy.

I'm posting this because I'm worried that I may 'disappear' shortly. Hackney Council have recently made recycling compulsory for residents, backed up by £1000 fines. Committed recycler that I am, I make sure that the green box is out on the doorstep every Monday morning, so I was perturbed to find a threatening note shoved through the letter box last Thursday saying that they hadn't found our recycling box outside, and making various threats about what they could do to me. It's true: I hadn't put the box outside last Thursday. In my defence, they don't actually collect the recycling on Thursdays, but I'm worried that residents may now be expected to make a conspicuous display of loyalty to the concept of recycling by leaving your recycling box with a token sacrificial wine bottle and shiny tin can outside every day.

I also don't like the way that the system is policed by the waste industry, which Ask Yahoo tells me is always run by the Mafia. I may end up sleeping with the fish-heads if I don't. If you don't hear from me for a couple of weeks, check the bottle banks of N4 for my many and various body parts.
I'm very excited because tomorrow I'm going to to gouge a hole in our back door to fit a cat flap. I'll have to use a jigsaw to do it, and if it all goes wrong I may just end up with a cat hole, rather than a cat flap. Or no back door. We'll see.
Also, the cat's name is Mog, and she's settling down very well. She's fond of:
  • a good meow
  • Whiskas
  • running about
  • hiding in bags
  • not answering her name
  • being scared of Guy moving about upstairs
  • running at full pelt the length of our flat, pulling up with millimetres to spare before crashing into the all-too-solid kitchen units, then mooching around nonchalantly as though she hadn't done anything crazy just then.
Enough cat for the moment. Be warned of more soon, though.


  1. Plus Mog made Jesus fly.

  2. Oh, yes, forgot to mention that our cat is one third of the way to being made a saint, having performed the bona fide miracle: The Miracle of the Levitation of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

    Or, more prosaically, she was scared shitless on her first night in our house, and to alleviate this she climbed up all round the room, and somehow managed to leap onto the (we thought) inaccessibly high mantelpiece, sending books and a wooden Rio de Janeiro Jesus clattering to the floor, which, you guessed it, just made her even more scared.

    We thought the Rapture had started, so it scared us too.

  3. And yesterday she performed the lesser miracle - tripping up PJ Harvey.

  4. Yeah, not really a miracle, that. I don't think the Miracle of the Idiot Cat That Pulled at Something Shiny, Sending a Picture Crashing Down on her (Miraculously Not Hurting Her, But Instead Leading to a Lasting Distruct of PJ Harvey) is going to get past the top dog down Vatican way.

    Also, get on with some work.

  5. I know this is a bit of a detour, and probably more appropriate for I See Famous People, but I hope that you will be as excited as I was to find out that Hannah from Neighbours is now a waitress in Florians. I know this because last night she was my waitress, and I am now stalking her.

  6. Is that true Jim? You are stalking Button Martin? My god, that's a bit scary.
    Next time you see her, can you find out she felt a bit like Charlton Heston's rifle while starring in that infamous Neighbour's scene in which she was left gripped by the 'cold dead hands' of Anne Haddy?
    If you need reminding of the tragic episode, see this:
    A televisual moment that I shall never forget...

  7. Oh, hang on, I've just noticed, it wasn't Jim, but that other regular comment poster, Anonymous. Sorry Jim.

  8. I will ask her taht Louis, when I follow her home tonight. I am staying annonymous to cunningly cover my tracks in an attempt to slow the inevitable restraining order

  9. THE SWINES!!!! My work have now blocked the 'post a comment to blogger' link as it 'appears to contain material of adult content'.

    For a start it is a comment page, so the only things it has on it are a log in box and comments area. Second, I AM an adult! Why can I not see adult material!

    Unless its all a devious ploy to stop me posting on blogger all day long when I should be working....

    Well, at least they haven't blocked your actual blog Jim. Just don't go posting anything adult on there.

  10. On the subject of Mog - YOUR CAT KEPT ME AWAKE AGAIN LAST NIGHT.

  11. So what, humans? I'm a cat. Meowing is what I do. PS, get a new computer, humans. This one is too slow and makes crazy siren noises when it's been on too long.

    Also, where are all the mice I was promised?

    Cat out.

  12. On the subject of whimsy, "An open letter to Global Warming" sounded pretty promising on the McSweeney's page too.