Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Thank heavens for John Prescott

Now, that may be the first time in history those five words have ever been uttered, but I mean it. If it hadn't been for the self-effacing Most Powerful Man in Britain laying into James Naughtie and waking me up, I'd have been late for work. Well, later anyway. The Deputy Prime Minister was being pressed on the squaring off between Blair & Brown, and Naughtie let fly with a low comment about Labour politicans sorting things out over meals, but then the pugnacious Prescott ducked, weaved and punched back with the counter-allegation that Naughtie should know all about meals, what with the grand affairs he throws where he invites politicians so that he can get juicy stories from them for his books. It then descended into a rather sordid self-involved argument about people who brief against people who brief. In a moment of searing clarity, rare enough in the mornings, I was struck by a vision of poor senior politicians, so starved that they are forced to attend these meals in order to exchange unattributed quotes for morsels of food. When, oh when will we pay our politicians a living wage?

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Back to the coalface

I'm back at work tomorrow, which means that under some kind of contractural obligation I have to read my emails and do work and all that stuff. Hmpf. I'll be tied up with deleting and ignoring things all morning. Therefore, I leave you with some of the things I saw on the teletext subtitles of the Yeading vs Newcastle match today. I don't want to denigrate the difficult task of the ceefax typist, but I suspect the guy was an excitable Yeading fan, and was having the greatest day of his life:

AND YEADING HAVE SURVIVED UNTIL HALF TIME: IT'S YEADING MILK, NEWCASTLE MAIL (that was nil-nil)

[THE YEADING GOALKEEPER'S] WELL ON HIS WAY TO WINNING A CAR IF IT GAYS LIKE THAT

AND THE KEEPER IS JUST 45 MINUTES AWAY FROM A CALF (for those who didn't follow the match, and suspect that the keeper was having a tawdry love affair with a cloven-footed animal, the Yeading keeper Preddie was offered a car if he kept a clean sheet. He didn't.)

There were others too at the rate of about two a second, but my memory is like a sieve which mice have been chewing on, and I didn't write them down. I once thought of applying for a job writing the subtitles for TV programmes, in my darkest temping days, tempted by the prospect of watching TV all day, but then I realised that I'd probably have to (as a junior member of the office) do the subtitles to episodes of Oprah Winfrey Interviews Herself and the When Breakfast News Goes Wrong, and plus I can't actually type that fast, the money wasn't so good, and I've got a bit of a problem with accuracy (best summed up by the phrase I utter at least 15 times a day, 'bugger it, it'll do, which, if the stonemasons do their work correctly, will be carved into my gravestone).

Yeading had one or two Stevenage Boro players on their side, and I have something of a vendetta against Alan Shearer (the conception of this is lost in the mists of time, but I must have had a pretty damn good reason for hating him), so I'm saddened by the result, and also the relentless march of predictability. Oh, Monday, couldn't you give me a break once in a while?

Friday, January 07, 2005

The Aviator (A Review)

[Owing to time constraints and a short attention span, I present you with a barely proof-read review of The Aviator. I hope you enjoy it, but obiously not as much as you would if I'd actually written it properly. Have good weekends peeps.]

The Aviator, certificate, er, 15 probably, realeased nationwide today, I imagine, although don't quote me on that.

Martin Scorcese's latest attempt to colour the history books Leonardo DiCaprio weighs in at nigh on three hours for a biography of a man about whom most of us know nothing except that he spent the last years of his life wearing Kleenex boxes on his feet. Howard Hughes, the aviator in question, is first shown on the set of Hell's Angels, requesting more and more involved aircraft stunt scenes from the WWI epic. He is an arrogant but intelligent man, rich on his family's drill-bit money. The film carries us through to his interrogation in front of a congressional hearing for Hughes' alleged war profiteering and just before his final descent into complete bonkersdom, wherein he buys up the means to pursue his interests of twin flying (forming Hughes Aviation to make the planes and buying TWA to have something to do with them) and films (funding his own grandiose films, and eventually buying RKO). His third interest, attractive women, seems to be fed adequately from the glamour associated with the first two (Katherine Hepburn - played with vim by Cate Blanchett, Ava Gardner - Kate Beckinsale in a couple of short scenes, and others).

By focusing on the early years, Scorcese presents a classic story of rich boy made good, where the hero reels from one glamourous situation to the next. He rages against the even richer vested interests, who either fail to see the sense in what he's doing, or are threatened by it (the government, the rest of the aviation industry, the film industry, etc.). His humanity is defined largely in opposition to others (the pretentious artistic snobbery of the Hepburns, the obstructionist self-interest of established corporations, the probity of the censors, etc.), so much so that he's largely an empty vessel, only his encroaching Obsessive Compulsive Disorder fleshing him out. Heavy-handed psychoanalysis by the director (it was his mother!) feels unnecessary. Hughes' descent is so bizarre that it's hard to keep the level of sympathy up, despite Scorcese's best efforts, and eventually it's all but impossible to suppress the sniggers as the urine in milk bottles builds up. Certainly there was a fair amount of tittering in the audience I was in. Really the most tragic thing about him, underexplored in the film, is the way that his illness was indulged rather than treated because of his money, power and the overabundance of yes-men. To build up his repute, he's shown seeing the importance, before anyone else, of talking movies, long distance commercial air travel, monoplanes, jet engines, breasts and germs.

However, the film zips along, with a few good visual motifs (milk consumption, preponderance of the colour green, noisy noisy flashbulbs), and the helpful for the sub-retirement age Pathe news-style voiceovers to introduce yet another notable from the 40s. In case the glamour of the setting was in danger of making you forget who directed this movie, there is a really quite disgusting scene of a plane crash, that ought to have the label 'contains an extended scene of icky oozing pumping blood and buggeringly big explosions'. There's a quite wonderful cameo by Jude Law as Errol Flynn, displaying the rakish bullying self-confidence that made him shine in The Talented Mr Ripley. Although far too short, in the couple of minutes of screen time, he manages to upset Hughes and Hepburn by being outrageously blasé, and then proceeds to swashbuckle his way into a fist fight. Scorcese, if he's got any sense left, ought to have begun work on Errol before Law had a chance to shave off the moustache. Additionally, there's a possibly intentionally hilarious scene where an Evil Corrupt Businessman (the Pan-Am boss) is seen in an extravagantly decorated penthouse office caressing a globe as he undertakes a long power-crazed monologue. The vapidity of the central character reduces what would otherwise have been a great film into a portmanteau of entertaining scenes, without enough insight into the central character to tie them together. The cut-off point seems arbitrary, and perhaps more understanding would have been gained by viewing Hughes in later life.

Rating: 6 hobnobs.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Awww, isn't he a sweetie?

Right, all this recent photo frenzy will no doubt culminate in my parents coming online and posting my baby photos for all to see. I wouldn't mind that, as anyone who's ever spent more than five seconds in my company would know that I consider myself to have been The Cutest Baby That Ever Was Born. Seriously, I was cute.

Secondly, if you cast your eyes downwards and rightwards you'll see that I've added a link to all of the other blogs who share tube stations with me. When I say downwards and rightwards, I mean within the confines of your monitors, otherwise you'll just end up looking at a patch of carpet, and possibly one of your shoes. I've only managed to find one of even remote interest (sorry bloggers of N8, but you seem to all be self-regarding 13-year-olds with capitalisation problems all too intent on posting the contents of the sandwich you ate this lunchtime) is I See Famous People which lists famous people seen in Crouch End. For the record, I've seen Alexi Sayle chomping on meze, Simon Pegg squeezing vegetables, er, that guy from Coupling, you know, the Welsh one, and the once-ubiquitous Sean Hughes, who seems to have stopped leaving his house. To be quite honest, there's far more famous people in Islington, but this guy is quite good at spotting the evasive little Heat-fodder.

Next on the agenda, I'm sure there's a nascent rebellion brewing over Ken's decision to raise the bus fares to £1.20. Anyone want to join me in a bloodthirsty mob storming the Erotic Testicle? Or City Hall, as the GLA will still insist on calling it. We'd have to get travel cards, but I'm sure with our burning torches we can put in an application for a refund while we're there. An application for a refund with extreme force.

Finally, I leave you with a link. Here is what the most powerful man in the world calls his nearest and dearest as nicknames. Clearly, there's too much time on his hands. If I were the leaders of North Korea and Iran, I'd be clubbing together to buy the guy a Playstation or a cute puppy to keep him occupied.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

First they said it couldn't be done. Then they said it shouldn't be done. But at last, it is done. All three series of Fry & Laurie are now in my toilet, in handy-to-read book form.

In other news, below are some of the people I've recently received pornographic spam from. If you ever have the need to adopt a pseudonym, perhaps because the Queen dies, and you write bawdy limericks in her book of condolence, causing a grieving nation to unite as one against you, feel free to plunder from these:

  • Unregenerate U. Fulmination

  • Gus V. Hurricanes

  • Siamese K. Orthodox

  • Household Q. Excuses

  • Purpler C. Shovelfuls

  • Gutsiest A. Titillation

  • Flagellum G. Lane

  • Vanessa Redgrave
Except that last one. Don't use that, you'll get caught. She did really try and sent me porn though. She wanted to introduce me to some 'chikz that sqquirt'. Anyone else received emails of dubious moral content from Oscar-winners?

No, Michael Douglas doesn't count.

Deadpan Conversations With Shop Sales Staff, Vol 5

Scene: WH Smith at Euston Station, on the 29th, pissed off because everything is wrong with Britain and I’m being forced to spend more time in Stockport against my will, the train I’d booked on specifically to avoid spending any further time in Stockport having been cancelled, buying a magazine.

Me: Hi [presents magazine.]
Shop Girl: That’s £2.90. Would you like a special Xmas chocolate, only a pound? [proffers a large Toblerone]
Me: No thanks.
SG: But I’ve already scanned it through!
Me: I said no.
SG: OK, I’ve taken it off. That’s £3.90.
Me: But I said no. The magazine’s £2.90.
SG: Is it?
Me: Yes.
SG: OK, that’s £2.90 then.
Me: Thank you.

I’ve just spent a fortnight on a mainly Toblerone-based diet, so my refusal must be seen in this context. On a happier note, the New Scientist I bought (above) has these puns just on the cover:
  • Ladies Who Crunch
  • Parasites Lost
  • Moss Murder

Monday, January 03, 2005

Holiday pics

This post will veer dangerously close to being of severely limited interest, but hey! I'm the one in charge here, eh? Me and some friends went on holiday to Cornwall last year, and the resultant snaps have now been scanned in, and I've put them up on a beautifully functional website here. To further reduce the enticement, it has pictures of me with my top off which will come as no great surprise to anyone. Stupid winter, making me wear clothes.

Also, it breaks the strange code of anonymity which I've for some reason adopted. Why this secrecy? I couldn't really say. Maybe I had thoughts in the early days that I would be writing near-libelous exposés of corporate fraud and would need to hide behind a veil of mystery. I may still do this. London Metropolitan University and your evil slush funds, beware!

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Virgin Trains, Stockport and Toilets: a Cautionary Tale

Having been away to various parts of the country, most of which involved Stockport, I've now got a blog backlog, which is difficult to say if you're chewing on a pen.

As it's on my mind, I'll start with a tale of woe that will have you in tears.

A journey on Virgin Trains, returning from an eventful and enjoyable new year's eve. Train journey also eventful, but less obviously enjoyable. Gripped by an entirely natural, but not all that pressing desire to go to the toilet, I went to the nearest one in my carriage. Being one of Branson's new fleet, a sleek electric door slides open with a hiss. No toilet paper though. On to the next. Sleek shiny door opens with hiss, but refuses to close, with hiss or without. Consider throwing caution to the wind and going anyway. The caution, though, would be for indecent exposure, and possibly be more a custodial sentence than a caution.

This happy game is interrupted by an announcement that owing to a computer glitch, the train would be terminating at Rugby. Off the train, decide that platform toilets are likely to be freer of malfunction. A man crouched down in front of the Gent's says that the lock is bust, and suggests that I use the disabled toilet. Resisting the dadlike pedantic desire to tell him that this toilet, and indeed all the toilets I've tried to use on the journey have in some way been disabled, wander off in the direction of his point. Need a key to get in though, so humpf my way to customer services, where the man says he'll get the key for me in a sec, and then makes an announcement over the PA that, er, actually, we can all get back on the train we've just got off. To my delight, everyone gets back in the exact seats they had before they were expelled - Passengers of the 1730 from Stockport to Euston, you've made a weird man strangely happy. Resume my quest. Further up the train, encounter a toilet which refuses to flush away the last occupant's offering and has a non-electric door, traditional in all respects except its refusal to shut or lock. Finally, in the first class carriage, lending weight to my pseudo-socialist paranoia, I find a toilet that meet meets my needs, sitting on which I realise that combining the paper of the second toilet with the locking of the first would have made toilets three, four, five and six unnecessary.