Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Deadpan Conversations, vol 9

Student comes into the office, asks to borrow stapler.

Student: That's a nice stapler.
Me: Um-hum.
S: A really nice stapler.
Me: Oh yes.
S: I've got the same stapler.
Me: It really cuts down on the effort involved. [Demonstrates by effortlessly stapling 30-odd sheets of paper together]
S: Yes.
[Both look embarassed at the enjoyment we've gained from office products]

I've recently come under some criticism for not living up to my billing as The Angriest Man in Crouch End. So: Mushrooms are shit; Queen Victoria was a rubbish monarch; Orange is a poor, poor colour; Who'd want thin-slice marmalade - halfwits?; Who makes sellotape that you have to use scissors (or teeth) rather than tearing? How have we come so far, only to suffer from substandard barely functional stickytape; etc.

Oh, and this from the Onion is quite good on the Israeli-Palestinian situation. I remember seeing a large headline on some other site, in The Onion's style, saying:


It's true, y'know.


  1. I felt the might of your anger Jim, and it gave me fear.

    I have some anger too. I just had to wait for an hour and a half to x-ray my patient. An hour and a half! Standing in a bloody bedpark with ill people!! We are short staffed as it is, I could have been doing something useful!


  2. This blog can be used as a forum for venting spleen. Also, I've been told that a very therapeutic method is the primal scream technique.


    I feel better lredy, lthough the '' key on my keybord hs broken. Dmn.

  3. reminds of Stephen King's "misery". The main character is a writer and first the "e" on his typewriter drops off - the most commonly used letter in English! I think "s" and "a" drop off shortly afterwards and he spends most of his time writing in the missing letters by hand.
    So be warned Jim, if any ex-nurses invite you back to their houses don't go, especially if they claim to be your number 1 fan!

  4. Sometimes I think I should have a blog of my own. But I don't so I'll hi-jack Jim's.

    I just read the funniset quotes in an aritcal about a chip-shop man who is going to attempt the amazing feat of producing the largest bag of chips in the world. He said:

    "its in the tradition of great British record-breakers such as yachtswoman Ellen MacArthur" adding "I couldn't sail around the world - but she couldn't cook a huge bag of chips."

  5. I'd contend that MacArthur's resolve, grit and spunk would make her ideally suited to the challenge of attempting to make a big bag of chips. Although I wouldn't want to eat them with all that grit and spunk in there... (c) The Two Ronnies