Tonight Matthew, I'm going to...

...Party like it was 1999, like the little purple munchkin Prince. I bought a watch today. It's like a mobile phone for your wrist, except without the camera, voice calls and text facilities. I've spent all afternoon parading up and down the street outside my parents' house, waiting for someone to ask me the time so that I can tell them.

The woman in the jewellery shop seemed concerned when I asked to look at a watch, and I swear she looked for reassurance to her manager before selling me it. Still, I think they'll catch on, and I'd advise you to take all of your money out of gilt-edged stock and put them in manufacturers of wristwatches.

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I, like most people, was wryly amused by the Ricky Gervais identity theft robbery. I was also reassured to know that you can still go out and buy vast quantities of gold ingots, virtually no questions asked. Having been raised on bank heist movies, I can think of no legitimate reason to have gold bullion, other than to have it stolen by manly handsome criminals whose rougishness can be tamed by just the right woman (or can it?). I think I might ask for my next paycheque to be paid in gold bullion; if nothing else it'll give Human Resources something to do other than working out ways to fire people.