Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Yellow Pages Etiquette

Look at these goons holidng up their multiple copies of the Yellow Pages, mocking me.  I think the guy in the middle killed someone to get his second bookOK, still thigh-deep in boxes and so on, so moving day is getting near. What's worried me, though, is the Yellow Pages.

Surely you're meant to leave your copy of the Yellow Pages behind when you move. Not just meant to: you're under obligation. What if someone's moving from outside the area? Their "Yellow Pages: Shrewsbury, Hereford & Mid Wales Edition" isn't likely to be too handy when ordering a pizza in Muswell Hill, is it?

Fine. But what if the ex-occupants of our new house haven't thought about this. What if they go and take their Yellow Pages with them? So the temptation then is to double-bluff, and take our Yellow Pages with us. How dare they try and cheat us? Really, it's beneath contempt. I'm going to write to my MP and demand they table a question in parliament. Or a Private Member's Bill, and try and get the "Yellow Pages Relinquishment and Common Decency Bill (2005)" onto the statute books.

I don't think I've actually used the Yellow Pages more than twice in the past five years, but still, as I find myself increasingly saying these days, it's the principle of the thing.


  1. Well I saw you use it the other day to find a tip so you may have a point.

  2. Perhaps they should be chained to the house (somewhere near to the telephone would by ideal). And when the new edition comes out they have to be carefully unchained, and swapped under top security protocols by a trained 'yellow pages technical installation Officer' of at least 2 year's experience.

    That would solve your problem. And create a new career niche!

  3. Perhaps they should also be made out of sheet metal so that people can't tear pages out. This would make them huge, and architecturally impressive. I am looking for a change of career, too, so I'll look into it.

    I could also be the person in charge of deciding whether "..............................................aaaaaa1Taxis" was a legitimate name for a company, or just a ruse to be first alphabetically. I'd crack down on it, to be frank. Unless you could pronounce it, I'd ban it.

  4. Sorry to be thoroughly logical rather than whimsical, but surely when moving you just look to see if there is a Yellow pages in the new fat, and then if not, go back and take the old flat's copy with you of course this won't work if you are moving far and in one fell swoop, but as you point out if you are moving far then the yellow pages won't be applicable any way.

    The voice of reason will triumph.

  5. I said, "it's the principle of the thing. The Yellow Pages are actually less important than what they represent: the Modern Malaise. This column will now be appearing syndicated in the Daily Mail on alternate Tuesdays until the Conservatives, the Natural Party of Government, are re-elected. Thank you.